Local support group needs help to offer grieving mothers more time
SUSSEX — It is an unusually warm day for early May and the glistening sunlight has coaxed many outdoors. In a small park site a group of mothers chatting, laughing, and sharing tidbits of their daily struggles. Some smoke. Some drink coffee from Styrofoam cups. One passes around a baby photo album, another, a ceramic frame.
From afar, these women look like any other group of ladies taking a break from their busy lives to enjoy some companionship on an ordinary Thursday afternoon.
But these woman are far from ordinary. Their cheeks are damp with tears. The photos which are passed around are not of first steps, first birthdays, and Kindergarten graduations. The photos are of the babies these mothers said goodbye to.
Blanket phrases such as "time heals all wounds" or "it's time to move on" do not apply to a mother who has had to let go of a child. Family and friends may be well meaning when they say, "Well it was early in the pregnancy," and "At least you have other children," but the grief experienced after a miscarriage or infant loss is a lonely dark path.
Parents of Angels United, a support group for pregnancy and infant loss, feel no parent should walk this journey alone. This support group was formed in August 2014 by Betty Houghtaling, Alison Long, Rachael Chizinski and Diane Degroat. They have been working to get cuddle cots placed in local hospitals such as Chilton Hospital in Pompton Plains.
Losing a child
"That walk out of the hospital was the longest walk in my life," says Betty Houghtaling of Sussex County, who gave birth to her stillborn daughter Jayden in 2006. "Leaving a hospital without a baby, having to come home to a nursery, the clothes, a rocking chair and plan a funeral — it's something that never goes away."
Houghtaling's pregnancy was uneventful. She went in for a routine third trimester check-up and her doctor could not find a heartbeat. Rushed to the hospital and induced, Houghtaling was forced to give birth naturally to her deceased daughter. Unless medically nessacary, most mothers must deliver their stillborn infants vaginally, and are not offered the option of a C- section.
Foggy from medication, and in desperate shock, the first time mother only had a brief hour to digest what had just happened to her, before the baby was taken away.
Alison Long felt the same way when she gave birth to her first son Tyler, who was stillborn at 30 weeks. Like her friend, Long went for a check-up to discover her son's heart had stopped beating. After hours of labor, her child too was whisked away so quickly, leaving Long with so little time to say goodbye.
One by one, the group of mothers share their stories of loss. All of them have gone on to have more children. None of them can forget what they lost.
Time
Time, they all agree is what they wish they had more of. Time to properly say goodbye. It is this wish, for more time, that motivates Parents of Angels United to not only help other women when the unthinkable happens, but to raise funds, and awareness for a device called The CuddleCot Cooling System.
The CuddleCot is an in-hospital room cooling unit disguised inside of a Moses basket in which the deceased infant is placed in, slowing down the natural changes that occur in death. For infants, the changes in appearance occurs rapidly, within hours, leaving the mother to have her baby whisked away abruptly.
Although not for everyone, the CuddleCot, gives parents the choice of having their baby stay with them during the hospital stay. This will allow a grieving mother more time to bond, take pictures and plaster molds, or allow other family members to meet the infant before saying goodbye. A CuddleCot costs more than $2,000 and Parents of Angels United would like to see one available in every hospital, such as Chilton Hospital.
Understandingly upsetting, stillborn delivery remains a taboo topic, however Parents Of Angels United (who have members who lost children in different ways) want to let people know these mothers want to talk about their children.
Dawn VanWhy, a mother to seven, lost her son to SIDS in 1992. It took her two years before she could go upstairs where he died.
"He was up that morning cooing. I put him down for a nap and when he didn't stir for his bottle I went up to check on him and he just.." her voice cracks and she puts her face in her hands.
Another member, DeGroat of Sussex County, who's baby brother was stillborn says, "You may be talking to someone in the A&P and they could have lost a baby, most people don't talk about it because they think they can't, we want people to know we are here to listen."
For more information visit Facebook.com/groups/parentsofangelsunited. Tax deductible donations can be sent through paypal at admin@storiesofbabiesbornstill.org or mailed to SOBBS PO Box 8761 Lakeland Fl 33806. Include a note specifying Chilton Hospital in NJ.